Expectations.

I am married.

I could go on and on about how much better married life is and how much I looove spending every second with Ben and how life is 100% perfect and I am in complete bliss alllll the time while I jump on clouds in heaven.  I'm sure you've heard a post like this from a newly wed.

Let me get real with you.

I've heard it all.  "Oh, the first year of marriage is the best!  Enjoy it while it lasts."  or "Just make it past the first year.  You'll fight all the time but after you've made it a year you're home free."  or "Single life is better...you're gonna miss it."  or "You'll find that married life is sooo much better than single life.  You'll never look back!"

And while I appreciated all those little pieces of opinion and advice, I put them in my back pocket before I got married.  To be honest, I really didn't know what to expect.  I mean, dating life with Ben was great, and I looked forward to marriage, but I've heard so many marriage stories with so many different outcomes that I decided to look at my future marriage to Ben with a clean and white slate.  

So the wedding day came.  It was awesome.  Ha, to say the least.  I was way more relaxed than I had expected and felt "light" and happy all day.  I'm sure things went wrong, but if they did, I had no idea.  I felt a different kind of love for Ben on my wedding day (and now) then I had before.  It wasn't the twitterpated googley-eyed kind of love.  It wasn't even the "I really care about this person so I'm going to sacrifice for them" kind of love.  It was a deeper, more eternal love.  We became one that day.  I think of middle school when team captians are picking their teams and the two best friends demand that they are a "package deal" and will go together on one team when they are chosen.  Ben and I are a package deal from now on.  Heart/soul/future/everything is one.  I like that.  I didn't really expect to feel that difference emotionally, but I felt it the second we were officially married.  I was his, and he was mine.  But more than that, we were one.  

Then the after math.  Post wedding.  Ben and I skipped the honeymoon phase.  Ben is a summer sales man and every single day that he takes off makes a big difference.  Summer is his intense, hard working, go-go-go time.  So we spent a couple days after the wedding together and then headed back to the demanding summer sales schedule (Ben is gone from 8:30 in the morning until about 10:20 all week long).  Everyone gave Ben a hard time for not taking me on a honeymoon, and while a week on a beach sounds nice, I completely understand.  I also know that he'll make it up to me later.  Or at least, he better. ;)

It's fun to discover little things about Ben as we've been married.  Real life married...not the honeymoon kind of married.  In order for him to fall asleep each night, he must play a couple games of "words with friends" in bed.  It's like his lullaby.  Waking up next to someone feels absolutely wonderful.  It's comforting.  I also enjoy doing the things I usually do alone with someone, like looking up Youtube clips.  I love kissing him whenever I want and I looove cuddling with him and hugging him whenever I want.  He's a great help around the house.  One thing that he's so good at is following through with what he says he will do.  I look up to him in that way.  If he says he will pick up the camping supplies tonight, he will do it for me even if he is extremely tired.  Mmmm, mmm, mmm, I love him.  Of course there are the little things that we do that bug each other.  He hates that I keep my drawers open when I leave.  I hate when I find some of his face shavings on the counter.  We've actually improved on those annoying things and those habits haven't been as big of a deal as I thought they would be in a marriage.  All of our arguments are an identical cycle.  We'll argue about something, I'll be offended for about 5 seconds, he'll make a joke and pull me in for a hug, and all is well and we're back to our laughing happy selves after a grand total of 1 minute.

I won't lie.  I hate being away from him all day, every day.  We just have a few exhausted minutes together each night before it's another day apart.  

Though the schedule is rough and everything in our life isn't picture perfect, I'm sitting here baffled at why I am happier than ever.  

My life schedule may change.  It may get even more hectic.  One day I'll have kids to deal with (heh, I mean to enjoy) as well.  Life will be really hard some days.  I will be sick, tired, worn out, sad, angry, and everything you can imagine at some point.  While EVERYTHING could change in my life, Ben will not.  Ben will be here.  I will always (and I mean forever and ever always) have him to love.  Knowing that, nothing else matters.

And that makes me happier than ever.